The Wedding Chronicles: Hitched

B-friend rolled over to face me in our bedroom, overlooking the rolling hills of Mendocino County.

"Guess I'm H-band now," he said.

He had a point. I looked down at his left hand, where he now wore a white gold ring--a mobius strip that had been sautered together to form a twisting, but endless, loop.

"we did it," he said.

Huh. And I thought that I'd just thrown the biggest party of my life. But I guess that somewhere during the tearful soliloquies, toasts, vows and picturetaking two people got married.

Over the past few days, as photos from friends have arrived in our inboxes, I've started to piece together events. I did walk down the aisle with my mother. My niece did break protocol and run ahead of my bridesmaids--my sisters--screaming "Wait for me!" I did cry while reading to B-friend my reasons for marrying him. (For a coherent breakdown of events, check out my mother's blog).

And the discussions of the evening, while never complete because I was ushered this way and that, greeting one important person after another, are now becoming clearer in my memory. I'm not sure if I answered any coherently, so I'll try now:

1. How does it feel to be a married lady?

This is a toughie. In many ways the feelings associated with marriage were distributed in bursts up to the point of the ceremony. H-band and I lived together for two and a half years before tying the knot. We already share a checking account and a cat. The wedding was just icing on the cake--or cupcake--as the case was here. I think I felt more disoriented when H-Band asked me to marry him, as it ushered in this new identity of couplehood that I was able to pretend didn't exist as a co-habitating girlfriend. But by the wedding I'd had time to settle into this status, to get used to having a ring on my finger, to soak in the new family and the discussions about putting me on his insurance policy.

Still, that morning as I walked downstairs to greet my family, who was staying there at the ranch where we had our ceremony and reception, something else was going on. And after everyone left, and H-band and I settled in at a house we'd rented in the hills for a few days, there was a looming question: What's different?

People get married for various reasons: some want to in order to start having kids; some want to feel financial security; some want to move on from a self-imposed state of girlhood, or because of societal or family pressure, or all of the above. I don't think I've truly asked myself why I wanted to get married--I just figured I loved my boyfriend, and he asked, and I know I want to be with him forever, so I should. If we really wanted to be practical about it we didn't have to get married--our physical lives are still the same. But now that we are hitched I can report on outcomes I hadn't anticipated--feelings of permanence I've never reserved for anyone or anything before.

We ordered a couch right before the wedding--a beautiful one--the kind that takes up your living room and that you can practically live in. We didn't need to do this--we had a wedding to pay for. But it arrived yesterday, and I realized that I have a newfound desire to build my space. I hadn't felt this way before, I suppose because, I hadn't a suitable partner to help me.

Another feeling I hadn't become used to was the thought of so many people celebrating me and my partner, and of witnessing my life. My family is very supportive, but not the biggest travelers in the world. And many of them are spread out through the midwest, Boston, and the South. I was the one no one really got to see, unless I came home. The unspoken rule was, if you leave, it's your responsibility to see the family. It wasn't the family's responsibility to see me. I was used to not having my family not being present for things. I maintained two separate worlds: the one I came from and the one I was in--never the twain should meet.

When I graduated from college (early, before any official graduation), Dad came in the Custom Cruiser to pick up my stuff and that was that. I went to college, I finished my classes, time to move on. The one friend who was there to see me off was asked to help load my crap in the car and make the hug quick before I was whisked off. Two months later I moved to New York City with a large duffel bag. Six years and four apartments later I moved to San Francisco much the same way, with little fanfare, telling folks very little of my whereabouts, placing my loyalty in my job of the moment. My mojo was always to follow the work; the people were incidental.

Seeing my mother, older sister, and brother in the State of California was like seeing a Buick in Palo Alto--odd. Mom hadn't been out here since her honeymoon, 38 years before. My brother and sister had never been, period. Julie, my twin, and her husband Chris, had been here often, but this was the first time she'd brought the kids. This was the first time my family had been in my space. It occurred to me: I've built a life and a community of some of the most loving, custom-fit people that they've never seen. Seeing the two groups sitting together and shooting the breeze was a bit disorienting. And throwing in B-friend's Southern California-by-way-of-Queens clan, who took them all in with such warmth was so worth the energy and effort of wedding planning in itself. I don't need to actually go through with the I-Do's, I thought, I got what I wanted. 

And then there were the friends from Chicago, Seattle, San Diego, L.A., New York, Jobs 1-9, and all areas of the Bay Area. We didn't have a conveniently located wedding. People had to travel. And while friends told us in advance they were coming, there was still this sense of surprise, as I stole glances of my guests gathering at the wedding site, that people were there.

The feeling in the gut is amazement that even the folks who I've had to wave to from the car window, on the way out of one phase of life into another, haven't forgotten.

2. Are you taking his name?

In a word, No. People tell me, If I had your name, I wouldn't change it either; it's cool, it's French and sounds very intentional. There's more to it than that: as a writer it's more than a sign of my single identity, it's my personal brand. A good friend of mine, a blogger, just got engaged, and she's not sure she should change her name for professional reasons. Quite frankly, she could lose Google juice with a new last name. Granted, with BlogHer, I've done so much less personal brand-building, but the desire to write and make it a larger part of my life is still very much alive in me.

But on other levels I'm not opposed to this convention. While I don't believe I need to take on my man's name, there's something very alluring about surrendering to our shared identity. I'm sure I'll take his name in certain circumstances; for instance, when one of our kids is having trouble in school, and I need to have a chat with the principal about what could be causing him to set fires in the bathroom. Then I'll gladly introduce myself as Jory Markman.

Which leads to the next question:

3. Are you planning to have children?

I don't know. I have a friend who thinks he's Freud reincarnated who grilled me on this question at the wedding.

"You know you always wanted to be married," he said, "and you know you've always wanted to have kids, too."

This approach is impossible to refute. It's possible that I do want kids, but in my current circumstance it's hard to tell. I've been so focused on my work that I haven't had time to feel settled in. And yet, I'm told by people who have had kids that feeling settled is an illusion.  I've lived with H-band for a long time, yet I still don't feel like we've had our time together. We've been in this building phase of our lives that hasn't slowed down. I don't fantasize about kids yet, but of eventually taking a honeymoon and getting a chair that matches the new couch.

4. What were some of your most memorable moments?

In no particular order:

MOM: She's given me more ammunition in our arguments, when I insist that she doesn't give herself enough credit. She's capable of doing much more than she knows. Based on her pre-wedding estimate of how things would shake out, she would fall apart at the altar, but since I insisted that she speak at my wedding, she'd do her best. Hopefully she'd survive it. That martyr, my Mom.

She turned out to be far more coherent than I during the ceremony. And beforehand she helped me keep my cool, which was hard. It was getting kind of hot outside, and I was developing a serious case of jitters.

"I think I smell, Mom."
"You don't smell."
"Seriously, I think I smell."
(Leaning in and sniffing subtly.
"It's not bad, Hun...Here's more deoderant."
"See! I smell!"
"You don't smell."

She got my back.

See: She managed to walk me down the aisle and not lose it:

Wiping off the lipstick and trying not to lose it:

Mom holding court. Notice: No meltdown.

Julie:

My twin sister isn't what you would call a sentimental type. She cries at movies, and she cried at her own wedding, but she doesn't attempt to get other people riled up. She's more of an observer, a researcher. She's a history professor for Chrissakes! I always knew my sister could spin a yarn, considering she's lectured roomfuls of students for nearly 10 years. It was a gorgeous thing to see her combine her skills to tell a story of how H-band ingratiated himself with our family, unwittingly, by taking care of us after my father died.

As Dad used to say on his winsome days: Kid, you done good. H-band's brother Dan did a good job too. Rather brilliant.

Sorry Ladies, he's taken.

Bella: My niece. We knew she wouldn't follow protocol during the wedding ceremony, but that's what Bella does, she makes pomp and circumstance irrelevant. She claimed that she intended to be Mary Poppins during my wedding--whatever that meant--and dropped the masquerade to go pick up turkey feathers from the ground during the ceremony.

The last few minutes of compliance we were to get out of this kid:

Running ahead during the ceremony, screaming, "Wait fo me!" Her Aunt Jenna intercepts.

Instincts begin to kick in.

She's too far gone at this point.

My Peeps: I can't tell you how special it was to have my pals there. People who showed up and made this thing happen.

John:

Jim:

Elizabeth: The hottie standing between me and H-band. One of my best friends and a minister.

Steve (whose official job is making me cry). He said he was holding a space for my Dad for the wedding, the rest I don't remember because I was seriously losin' it. Thanks to his wife, Michele, for crying with me.

I don't have all the pics now, so I won't use up my account's remaining bandwidth to show visuals of each and every person--my pal Jim shot the "official" pics and friends Steven and Kurt were on it as well. These pics came from our friends Matt & Mindy, Ken & Teri, Todd & Alice and Jesse's Dad Arnold. I'll post more when I have them.

To answer the question: There was no one favorite moment, more like a wave of significance that I won't try to encapsulate. Suffice it to say some things can't be summed up in brilliant re-caps. At least not by me.

Comments

[Joy]

The first installment...WOW...perfect! Martyr, who me? The priority of holding it together must have kicked in sweetie...still, I'm amazed I kept it down to a twenty-tissue day. As I've said to many of the commenters who read my post...I'm sure the stock in kleenex soared just from OUR day alone. Great pictures honey...nice reminders of how truly beautiful it all was. Can't wait for more....and your next installment. Mom -xoxo-

[jen]

Fantastic stuff Jory. You all look great and I'm so glad the wedding went off without a hitch (sorry about the crap pun).

[susan mernit]

congrats--and thank you for sharing stories of such a wonderful--and important--event.
love, susan

[Nick Smith]

I am really happy for you two Jory.

Sending you as much love and blessings as my broadband connection can handle (and then a bit more). ;-) X

[Karen Wallace]

Jory - congratulations to the both of you! I wish you a lifetime of happiness and new couches.

I'm not sure that I can speak for everyone in blog-land, but I for one have been eagerly awaiting the first photos of your beautiful ceremony, and these surpassed my expectations by a long way. You all look so beautiful (and handsome) - even Bella with a face full of cake!!!

But you, my dear, take the cake - so to speak. You are a positively glowing bride, and it is obvious you had a day you will remember for the rest of your life.

Congratulations and wishing you a marriage made in heaven - it certainly started there!!

[Koan Bremner]

I, too, was waiting for to see some pictures - and you have provided! What a beautiful setting - what a wonderful day.

Much love to you all from across the pond.

[Denise]

Congratulations, Jory. Seems to have been a lot of "losing it", which I find wonderful (as someone who rarely loses it herself). Heh.

More pictures, we need more pictures!

[Laura]

Jory, congratulations to you and H-band, I wish you all the best! I was eagerly awaiting the photos and story all week as well. You look beautiful and it's so lovely to see all your friends and family here as well. I'm glad your special day went so well.

Jory, I've been checking here daily for days, so eager was I to read this posting. I don't think Jesse will complain that you've tweaked the truth again in order to tell a good story! Through your words and photos you have captured the beauty, solemnity, and celebration of the wedding weekend. We all had a wonderful time, and our whole extended family is happy that you are now officially a part of us.

The wedding has brought threshold-crossing changes to my life, too, and I'm still integrating them. I've become a mother-in-law, and have a daughter-in-law, for the first time. And, hardest to absorb, my "kid" is wearing a wedding band! But I'll get used to it, with pleasure. As the only female in this nuclear family, I've been outnumbered for three decades. Now I've got a reinforcement, and after Daniel and Deirdre's wedding next year, we'll be even!

Lots of love,

Elizabeth (aka M-in-law)

[Russ]

So happy for you both.

Here's to a life of love,
Russell Shaw

[Antonella]

Congratulations, Jory!!
And thank you so much for posting the pictures, not only they are beautiful, they make us feel almost as we were there.

[Troy Worman]

Beautiful. Congratulations!

[Marilyn]

I'd already read your Mom's post and bawled my eyes out. Now I get to come here and smile at all the beautiful photos. What a gorgeous bride you were! And Jesse looks so handsome. (And that Mendocino setting is to die for.) I'm thrilled for you that your whole family was there. Your WHOLE family...you done good, Jory. Blessings to you both. xoxo

[savtadotty]

Excuse me, but did you say your h_band's family were from Queens? As in my childhood borough? Oh, and Congratulations! Lovely wedding, lovely pics, lovely writing, and lovely Mom!

[June]

A BEAUTIFUL wedding!!

Much happiness to both of you!

Junie

[Frank Paynter]

Jory... My best wishes to you both. Thank you for sharing with us this beautiful time.

[Steve]

Jory - we had such a great time. Well worth the three stop flight into Eureka then 170 mile drive to the location - we'd do it again for you guys. Michele (wifey) felt I was too intense during our conversation, I hope you see it as somewhat positive. I have photos to share with you too - soon to come. The combination of the men's weekend away with Jesse and the wedding reconnected me we some beautiful people and am still smiling whenever I think about those recent weekends. Wonderful time.
sjf

[Miffy]

How beautiful...and understandably memorable. Glad you've both returned not so much different, as with more indescribable memories. Now that is a change! Enjoy each moment. And thanks again Jory, for the play by play...you are my "playbook" of sorts, for Oct. 07!

[Rob]

Congrats Jory! You looked beautiful.

[Michele]

This is great. Just finished the second round of tears. :-)

[Toby]

Jory - adding my congrats and wishes for a magical next chapter in your life.

[Newt]

Jory,

I just wanted to send you heartfelt congratulations. Your pictures are beautiful. I wish you all the happiness in the years to come. I really enjoyed reading about your wedding and the pictures completed the story just marvelously. Cheers!

[Dan]

Jory and Jesse

You give faith that commitment is the only real freedom in love.

Be sweet to each other.

Dan

[Jeannie Barry]

Jory,

What a beautiful day-- I really wish we could have been there! Your words and your mom's make me feel like I was there. Congratulations!

Jeannie
(your cousin)

[Phil Gerbyshak]

Beautiful pictures of a beautiful day Jory. Thanks for sharing your joy with all of us. Here's to many years of happiness with your hubby (h/man??).