Don't Hate Us Because We're Over 30

Got an interesting comment from Manu the other day, which she sent after reading my post, "Accepting Men in the Flesh."

I saw Sleepless in Seattle earlier in the day and this post reminded me of what the men in the movie kept saying..."it's harder for a woman in her 40s to find a man than it is for a person to be hit by a terrorist." (I know... old movie)

What you said about organic relationships and something I've been mulling over in the past makes me wonder... isn't college the perfect time to get into a long term relationship? The longer you stay single the tougher it gets. My female friends who found 'the one' while they were still in their early 20s...I find them SOOO lucky! And then there's one that decided to wait, refused a guy who was a couple of years younger and then eventually married at 30 with someone five years younger. A decision she now lives to regret.

Seriously, do you know anyone who waited till their 30's and got into a long lasting relationship with 'the one'?"

I wrote back:

I" hope so! I met my S.O. at 28, but didn't date him till I was 30, and he had just turned 26. Now I'm 33, he's 28. I hope he's it."

I got so pissed five years ago when threats of women's diminishing chances of finding love over age 40 were posted with more urgency than a Red Alert. We had a culture of fear way before September 11, 2001; only then it wasn't fear of terrorist attacks but of not having sex ever again. I looked critically at my right hand and wondered, "Are YOU the one?"

And yet things do  change with age. There are some dynamics that I can attest to noticing in friends, and myself, after turning 30. I knew something was up even when I was in my 20s and living in New York, when I toasted a friend on her 29th birthday and she started weeping.

"Oh my gosh! What's wrong?" I said.

"I'm almost 30 and I don't even have a boyfriend," she said.

"That's OK, Sweetie. You have plenty of time."

"No I don't!" she sobbed. "I want to have kids by the time I'm 33! I have to meet him this year and fall in love in the next few months. He's got to propose within a year--we'll never be able to reserve a reception hall around here that doesn't book at least a year out!--and get pregnant right after that if I'm ever going to make it." 

I was depressed after that conversation. By virtue of living in New York I would have to go through a lot of bad dates before finding "The One". At 27, I probably should have started to look. But my friends who were 35 at the time told me to relax, I had all the time in the world. They should have been more specific; in just two short years I entered that period when people start to wonder, "is her 'situation' permanent?"

My twin sister got married when we were 28; I spoke at the wedding ceremony, mostly about being clueless about what it took to have a relationship that stuck. My attitude at the time was it was a numbers game--throw enough shit at the wall ... One of my sister's friends complimented me, saying, as the only other single woman in the room it was so great to see someone beautiful and confident representing the single side. I thought she was so sweet. A few months later, when I asked my sister how her friend was doing, she said, "She's engaged. Met him speed dating." Even in our moment of pride months earlier, she was praying it was only temporary.

In the cosmic scheme of things we have all the time in the world, but I wouldn't lead with that line on Yahoo personals. A friend of mine in his 40s, who really wants to settle down, prefers to date women in their late 20s and early 30s.

"Once they get to their mid 30s they're tough chicks," is how he explained his preference. "And they're less likely to have kids." I thought about what he said, and whether he was correct. Now, since I'm only 33, I should probably ask a few girlfriends who are old enough: Did your genitals start to turn to leather upon hitting your mid 30s? If not, let me give you this man's number. He seems to think our bodies turn into beef jerky.

I keep checking for a smoky aroma, but so far nada.

Most of my friends in their 30s no longer wait the once-requisite three years before deciding to get married. I've been to a series of weddings over the past few years; most of these friends got married, or got engaged, within a year or two of knowing each other.

I still make the mistake of inviting them over and saying "Feel free to bring your boyfriend." It's as if subliminally I don't buy the fact that they are man and wife. Perhaps I've waited too long to trust that people can meet and fall in love quickly. Perhaps I'm not acting my age.

Even to this day b-friend describes our status this way: "We're heading there, but we're still learning about each other." It's as if "there" is the pit of hell and just uttering it out loud damns you to suffer it in eternity. I don't think he's biologically able to say the word "marriage" until after 30. Just my experience with male friends proves that to be the case.

Back when I was in my 20s I met a man who nearly pushed my current boyfriend aside to get my number. Of course I didn't give it to him, but I kept his card, and when my boyfriend and I were broken up I called him. We agreed to meet at a pub. He showed up late and with attitude. We weren't a half hour into conversation when he said, "Let's just get something straight. I'm 29 years old. I have no intention of getting married anytime soon. In fact, I don't have much time for dating."

We never went out after that. I wasn't put out because he didn't want to get married; I just didn't need the pressure of being seen as the woman who was pressuring him. "Sheesh" I remember thinking at the time. "The minute I pursued him he immediately became defensive and forgot why he'd liked me in the first place." If I'd met him in our 30s it could have been a different story.

I dated another younger guy--He was 25 and I was 30. By date three he said he couldn't continue to go through with this. I wondered "with what?" He said, "with expectations." Seeing as our relationship had been 99.99 percent physical--the only time we spoke was to arrange for a place and time to  hook-up--I wondered what he meant by that. Then I started to question myself: Gee, I thought, maybe I really do want more from this guy, only I don't know it yet! How could I not?--I'm 30!

People ask me what it's like dating someone younger. B-friend hasn't had to reach 30 to be an evolved, committed type, but I'd be lying if I said there weren't aspects that I deal with that I wouldn't if he were older. Aspect #1: This almost Pavlovian reaction of resisting. By virtue of my being older, I must want things to happen quickly. I started to notice this tendency in the most mundane circumstances.

Me: "Babe can you come over here for a sec?"
He: "No!"
Me: "What's the problem? I want you to see something."
He: "I will come over when I decide to come over. You can't throw demands at me and expect me to just kiss your ass! I will come over on my own time!"
Me: (thinking) Ok, guess, I'll put my clothes back on. So much for spontaneity.

I understand that, in your 20s there's a sense of timing for everything, which I can relate to: "We can't get married until after I get my Master's, get a job, have a stable base, yadda yadda yadda..." Of course it takes getting to your 30s before you realize there is no good time for anything. You can prepare for your life, but you can't necessarily make it happen on any schedule. And you get that things somehow work themselves out. And that lightning doesn't necessarily strike before major decisions. They just happen. You simply decide and live with the consequences.

B-friend has said to me, "I don't know how your friends can just get married and start having kids when they barely know each other."

"What's important," I counter, "is that they know themselves." And by that I mean they've loved and lost, had a few psychos in their past, almost fallen for the wrong person, lost a job or two, made more money, then made less, been kicked to the curb, been made to feel they aren't so great after all, been significantly lonely long enough that they've made deals with their ceilings, promising not to let the next good thing--the next imperfect but loving and willing person--go.

I suppose the question Manu--and I--ask is, after 30 do we settle for someone to save us the hassle?

For the record, I'm a pragmatist. I believe that true love is a decision. Not like a business decision--there's more of a chemical synthesis going on when you are dealing with people. But I do believe that we decide what to do with those chemical responses. We weigh them with our current situation and then determine how a person fits, just as much as we determine how a person feels.

After reading Manu's note, I turned to look at b-friend, who was as per usual browsing Subaru WRX message boards and thought, "am I fooling myself? Can a woman who meets a man in her 30s really find 'the one'?"

"Do you love me?" I asked.

"Hold on, Babe. I'm reading about tire tread."

See, shit like this would have bothered me in my 20s. But today, I take it as an unqualified yes.

Relationships

Marriage

Women Over 30

Comments

[Megan]

Jory,

Thanks for representing women in their 30s in such a positive light. If I had a dime for everyone who said I was too picky and I should settle, I'd be a rich woman. Or even better, "your biological clock is ticking."

The thing about dating in your 30s is that you finally have figured out who you are and how to make yourself happy. Finding the right person to compliment your happiness becomes a journey rather than a random series of unconnected dates (or hook-ups, as the case may be). Personally, I think the journey is much more rewarding. I have more faith in the journey now than I ever did in my twenties.

So, relish the tire treads. I can't wait to find the same quiet, relaxed relationship you have found.

Best,

Megan

[Jennifer Warwick]

Amen, sister. All though my late 20s and well into my 30s, I'd laugh when the bouquet was tossed, and secretly panic because I hadn't caught it. I finally said I've had it with men, and started checking out interest rates and sperm banks.

A girlfriend convinced me to try doing an online personal and I rolled my eyes and said fine - but then get out of my way because I'm buying myself a house.

And that's when I met my husband. We got married when I was 38. He does the "tire tread" thing too, and we're still very happy, mostly I think because we were mostly "cooked" when we met - no wondering whether the batter was going to turn into angel food cake or foccacia, you could already tell, and choose accordingly. (Trying to simultaneously morph into similar batters was not working for me; I'd add rosemary garlic while he was adding vanilla and orange peel, and it was never pretty.)

[Joy Des Jardins]

Funny...funny, wonderful piece Jor. Beef Jerky...I can't stop laughing. Seriously, underneath the humor is a beautiful message here...and not everyone learns it, or learns it too late. The "timing" in your 20's becomes a "time bomb" in your 30's...thus the pressure. Personal guidelines change, just as you say, and what may seem like "settling" is often just "settling down" under your own revised terms. Beef Jerky...
oh stop! -Mom

[Jen]

Jorgia,
Being in my mid thirties, no shoe leather here by the way, and going on a four year relationship with my S.O., who is under thirty, I can agree with what you are saying. I am content with my existence. It is my married friends and colleagues that are more anxious for me to get married and have children than I am. My family has been pretty cool about it, as you know sister dear. We have talked about the possibilities, and what we would do, but there has been no rush in plans. If things happen they happen, if not; then not. I am just enjoying having him in my life. Do not get me wrong I love jewelry, but I do not feel the need to change what we have. We live together, do everything together, in most ways we are married, that is how it appears anyway. Again what will happen, will happen, I am just enjoying what we have. It fits the way my life is now. I hope that this makes sense. I just wanted to support you Jorg, since I am in the same boat.

[Marilyn]

Let me address this issue from the vantage point of another generation, if I may. I didn't meet "the one" until I was 40...and he was 32. In my 20's, I dated much older men because I simply couldn't relate to the goofballs my own age. In my 30's I began dating men still older than me, but closer to my age...and then they got right around my age...until by 40, only younger men seemed appealing. And now I'm 50, and we've been together 10 years. I could care less about getting a marriage license, because I already feel married...and our relationship has lasted longer than many of my friends' (or relatives') marriages. But I never craved a traditional life of any sort. I was too busy up until 40 moving around and jumping careers and having a blast and sorting out my own self. I couldn't have settled down until I was 40. That said, if for any reason we split up, I am SO gonna be single the rest of my life. Because at 50, the thought of dating (and there'd be no WAY I'd date older men NOW) is beyond unappealing. Sometimes my boyfriend will joke that I'm probably gonna ditch him for someone else...I just laugh and say if I ditched him, it'd only be for myself. (But I plan to keep him.) :)

[Lisa Williams]

Awesome. Great post. Very funny. As a married person, I totally get it about the tire tread thing. Tire treads = love :)

[Stacie]

I'm on the other side of thirty (28) and have been married for 2 1/2 years. I envy those that are my age and single. While they are out, doing as they choose, I'm home with kids and the ubiquitous pile of laundry, desparately trying to not step on a toy train or car (do you have any idea how much that hurts?)

Even though I'm married, I'm still struggle with what makes me happy, what makes me tick. Only, I have other people to pull me where they want to go too. It's a balancing act.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to explain to my two year old why he needs to take his afternoon nap in his bed. He recently learned to open doors and now we no longer can trap him in his room.

[David England]

Jory-

I stumbled across your blog some months past while searchng for discussions on "soloing" -- something that I haven't done yet, but have thought about.

With respect to your topic here, my experience is obviously from the male perspective and a little different in that my wife and I did meet and marry in our 20's. But what caught my eye was the age diffence referenced more or less throughout your discussion was ~5 years or so, which is about the age difference between my wife and I (who is 5 years and some odd months my senior). We were married after about a year and a half of dating/cohabitation; my wife was 26 and I was 21.

Just to remark on something else. Though perhaps the majority (and even a vast majority) of 20-something males are commitment-phobic as you described, I would like to say that there are those of us out here who are/were not. For my own part, I was scoping potential future marriage partners from high school on . . . dating was always with one eye towards marriage.

I am now 33 myself. My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years now. In the end, its all about relating to the person, not their age bracket. If someone screens you out b/c of your age, they're probably not very good marriage material anyway.

Keep writing -- I enjoy your stuff.

David

[mad boy]

Hey
I liked your blog, but had a small problem, why is all this about the age differance between you and your boy friend, i think at what ever age you are, its very tough to find a mate who can think like you. Its shouldnt matter if you are 20 or 30, I am 23 and i am fasicinated by women, not depending upon there age, i like the personna first and then the rest, if i meet a women whom i like and she is 45 it doesnt matter to me, its just matter of getting someone whom u like, and this "like" word dear is very tricky, you will never know why you like someone, and age is definitely not one big factor.

[kirbya]

Hello Jory,
I've been reading your blog for a few months and I've greatly enjoyed your writing!

This post touches on one of my personal struggles, that of desiring marriage and connection AND knowing at 42, what I would be giving up by getting married. I'm currently in a relationship with a man who is 44 and shows no interest in getting married, although I would say that he is committed to an "us". On my good days, that's fine because it affords me the freedom to do what I want and make every decision to my own liking, a "cake and eat it too" situation. I wonder if that is a sort of settling, because I then don't have to worry about the stickiness of being truly vested with another person and joining our lives together?

Interesting post that has provoked some good thinking! Thanks again!!

[Tracy]

First of all: Hysterical piece!!! OMG! I cracked up reading it.. right hand…leather/smoked smell…spontaneity/clothes back on…. So funny…

Second of all: you attract who you are at the time. I waited to marry when I was 32, and thought I married “the one”, after living with him for three years. Three more years later, I divorced him. I found out a lot about myself: that I wasn’t a quality person at the time so I didn’t attract a quality person.

My boyfriend and I are now going on the most fulfilling year in my history of dating. He found me at my pique of quality. He was 25, I was 35. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t know God made quality men like this. I thought I was destined for a smoking, drinking, sports-watching, misogynist. Boy was I wrong! If I would have met this guy in my 20’s, I would have run far away from him~ because I wasn’t ready then. Well, I’m ready now!

Now I am worried about the child thing. I don’t feel that I should worry too much because I take really good care of myself now, and have been for a while. Plus, my ancestry has proven that the females in my family had healthy babies into their 40’s- on both sides of my family tree.

DON’T GIVE UP PEOPLE!! There are quality people out there. You have to start at being a quality person yourself!

Great piece!!!

[Jenny]

This is a great piece, Jory!

[willo]

Wow - such a great post and wonderful comments!!

This post affirms a lot of what I feel about dating and where I'm at currently, which is 30 and single.

I feel very fortunate to have had 2 amazing relationships for a combined 7 years of my 20's. Probably helped the number of random hook-ups, not to mention taught me a ton about living with someone (uh... then realizing he wasn't "the one" and us moving out and on with our lives), and the 2nd major *love* relationship was the most amazing to date, and I know was there to show me I can find the love that I am looking for and oooh boy is it going to be wonderful.

After about 7+ months of mourning, I am just barely ready to date again... but it's neat because I feel really at peace with being single. I know that I am ready and capable of having a wonderful, healthy, loving relatioship... so it's only a matter of time before that appears again in my life.

It was nice to read these comments, especially Tracy's. I feel like my 28th year was my best... I was so in love and I felt so great, really coming into my own with myself. Tracy's post reminds me there are still years ahead of me that will completely take me by surprise. The amazing feeling I had on top of the world at 28 and now how kick ass I feel about my life and who I am at 30, has only to get better & better. It's all such a journey, huh?

Thanks for the great post, Jory, and for all the other comments. Great topic :)

All the best,
xo

[Donna]

Great post, Jory. I can totally relate. The article they keep quoting in "Sleepless in Seattle" was a Newsweek cover story the year I turned 30 -- and I was definitely in the same kind of panic you described. Didn't meet the man who eventually became my husband until I was nearly 33, and we didn't marry until four years later (that was 13 years ago). So I agree that you can find "the one" after 30. (And I know people who have done this after 40. But as you indicated, it is way harder than when you're in college.)

Incidentally, my husband is five years younger than I, and while I (with half a decade more life experience) knew it was right, that's how long it took him to come to the same conclusion.

[Robert]

I dunno, it seems we all will live to 102, and marriages last like 17 years. So why anyone marries before the age of 85 really is beyond me.

[RN]

I wish you good luck and hope you don't argue too much because of the tire tread. Just go with the flow.

[elle]

Hahahaha! Girls... I'm 43 engaged at one time in my early thirties to a guy that turned out to be a complete psycho. I left him at 36 and stAnd began dating shortly thereafter. I met a man 10 years my junior, we’ve been together for two and a half years. I would like to marry this guy. I wonder if it is on his mind. He asks me if I like kids, if I would move to a foreign country with him, if we could buy a home together. All marriage talk. I let him know as well that I want to marry. We have been to many weddings together. Yet no proposal. I am still quite capable of having kids and also look 10 years younger, which is why he approached me to begin with. Hopefully he will ask, but if he doesn’t I will move on and stay in the game. A girlfriend of mine just got married to a younger guy. A very good catch, he’s cute, educated and they share a passion for the outdoors. She looks her age by the way, so it’s not even a matter of you being long in the tooth and too unattractive to snag a man. That said, do not ever let yourself go. Even when you do catch Mr. Right.

Older women get hitched all the time. My mother was married three times, both times after 30. Just hang in there, live your best life, and don’t be so desperate to get the ring. That really turns men off. A cousin of mine dumped a girl (27 years old) because she was so desperate to marry.