The Rule of Synergy: Accepting a Life of Ease

I’m a personal development junkie. Some people binge on butter brickle ice cream; I chew on self-help books. Seminars? Bring them on. Retreats? Just tell me where.

Mind you, I’m not a proseletyzer. I like to absorb. But you can’t just shove any ol’ message down my throat. Rather, I listen to see if someone can say something that I already intuitively know in a way that makes sense; in a way I can use.

This is a good way to approach personal development, by the way. If you are contemplating ordering the latest Carolyn Myss book but are embarrassed to be seen reading it on the subway, or thinking of signing up for the Landmark Forum and worry that you will be perceived as Woo Woo, please don’t bother fussing. Drop the thought. You’re in too much conflict to be open to what you could learn and you’d probably irritate the hell out of others who know what they want.

A friend asked me once about the Landmark Forum, which I had attended; not like she was interested in the course for herself, she said repeatedly, she was just curious to know what I got out of it.

“Well,” I said, “First we shaved our heads and drained the blood from the lower halves of our bodies so we wouldn’t mind sitting in plastic chairs for 15 hours without getting up. I was handed a paper cup with purple Kool Aid, and then I’m not so sure…At least my hair grew back nicely.”

You have no business asking about personal development if you are not prepared to stand up for your interest in knowing. Believe me, I’ve tried to explain these subjects to skeptics. Their eyes glaze over, and when they think you are done, they say, “I’m so glad it worked out for you!” I could have been giving her a recipe or talking about head lice, it made no difference. It’s really a waste of people’s time.

I held a high and mighty attitude the first time I attended a personal development seminar. I had been forced to go because my employer, a Woo Woo who signed my paycheck, thought I’d get a lot out of it. I thought I had no choice. I dropped the attitude once I saw that the others in the room were clearly smarter than me, even impressive in ways that I kept score—company CEOs; people who’d made tons of money during the Dot Com boom, had traveled the world, and now wanted to explore themselves; brave folks who saw patterns in their lives and were open to change.

Personal development seminars tend to attract people with a strong sense of self, so strong that they don’t feel threatened by challenging themselves. They appreciate the inquiry, letting their hair down and not acting like they know it all. (Of course, there are personal development junkies, but they are quite rare in areas other than Northern California, and a subject for another blog). Suffice it to say, there is no brainwashing involved at any accredited personal development seminar. If you do get brainwashed, you had a fairly light sense of self to begin with and any permanent mark on your life outlook is bound to be an improvement.

I don’t remember half of the stuff that I “got” out of my readings and seminars; yet, somehow, some of the messages seem to stick. My perception shifts almost imperceptibly, I only notice when I look at myself in hindsight. One of the messages that stuck is the Rule of Synergy. You may have heard of this rule in some form or another, perhaps through a warm-fuzzy-type co-worker, the one with the 365 Days of Inspiration desk calendar, who likes to send you bits of life-transforming advice; or perhaps you caught a sliver of an episode of Oprah, the one on having the life you always wanted. In any event, this rule is likely not new to you.

The Rule of Synergy states (OK, I state—no one published the damn thing): When your life is working; when you are on a path of purpose and meaning, your life circumstances seem to maneuver in your favor. The path becomes clear of obstacles. You meet the people you need to help you get to where you want to go, at a time when they have the ability and resources to help you.

Now, for many people, this rule is a lot of bullshit. Let me quote a few: "You make your happiness, dammit!" "You don’t rely on serendipity to hand you happiness, you work for it. You EARN it." "What you call Synergy is really just coincidence."

I wouldn’t disagree. But, I would argue, your role isn’t about making your life work, it’s about FINDING what works. Several years ago, after a Start Up I worked for failed and I asked the inevitable question, "What am I meant to do next?", I saved an editorial written by Oprah Winfrey in her magazine, “It’s your JOB to find what you are meant to do,” she wrote.

I took this directive very seriously. Too seriously. Too literally. Jobs, after all, aren’t fun. They are WORK. I equated following through with finding my purpose as WORKING towards it, constantly. Emphasis on the word WORK. How Quaker of me, finding my salvation through busting my hump.

There are a lot of people like me—not just overly literal people, but people who pursue personal development like it’s a class you need to pass, not a journey. I met a lady who reminded me of a much classier version of myself at a workshop. She was a marketing executive in the luxury goods industry and clearly took full advantage of the perks. Throughout the four-day course, she wore outfits featuring outrageously expensive leather accessories. We spent long, oftentimes uncomfortable days at this seminar, arriving at some ungodly early hour to start another day of sweating through personal conundrums.

Most of us arrived ready for combat, wearing sweats, bringing Power Bars. But she always arrived each morning on time, hair done, and with this look of consternation on her face, a look that said, “I’m TRYING to improve. Really I am. Just tell me what to do.” I wondered, “What problems does this one have? Constipation?”

As I got to know her, I learned why she'd come. Sure, she “had it all”, but she wasn’t happy. Toward the end of the seminar she shared another little tidbit; her cancer had come out of remission.

My first instinct was to give her the name of my friend’s oncologist, but she seemed to have the mechanics of self-care covered. She hardly seemed bothered by her illness, but rather by something else that was eating her insides.

At the end of the weekend, someone asked her, “What do you want for yourself? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

I answered silently to myself, “Duh! She wants a cure!” But that’s not what she said.

“I want,” she said, pausing to think about it, “I want to be at ease.”

Her brain had grasped the biological dynamic of her illness: Cells in her body were multiplying, and the logical, medical solutions—the rounds of chemotherapy she had undergone for years—were not going to help her get well. Her attention had finally turned away from her head, towards her body, and though she couldn’t make out exactly what it was saying, she knew that it needed space and calm.

It occurred to me that friction is not a natural state. Life is not a bathtub; it doesn’t matter how hard you scrub. We are not at our best when we get down on our knees in some painful position and push. We may make money trying all the time, but we're not living in the place where we are at our most abundant. Being at our best is meant to feel good. It’s meant to feel inclusive. It feels like being at ease.

Consider this to be your definition of the Rule of Synergy: It’s not leaving things to chance, or relying on divine intervention, it’s accepting a life of ease, of little struggle. It’s work that doesn’t make you dread waking up to do it. It means not scrubbing. It’s accepting events into your life—good or bad—and incorporating them like they were meant to be there.

The Leather Lady, I now understand, wasn’t saying, “Cure me!” She was saying, “Help me to better accept what comes.” In the end I suspect the latter will ultimately make her well.

Comments

[Dan]

How many times have I been absolutely sure I had somebody else figured out only to be faced later with the peevishness of my judgments.

[Colleen]

I am always cheered by someone who embraces the woo-woo and remains in the world of business to disseminate the information. You would make Hegel proud! And that "friction" paragraph is one for the quotation book. Nice work, JDJ!

[Dustin]

Another great column Jory. I wonder if there's another side to this, though. Could there be friction that knocks off the rough edges, but doesn't dig into our true selves? Like putting pegs in holes. You damage the square peg by trying to push it through the round hole. But if there's something stuck to the side of the peg, it will be knocked off as it's pushed through the right hole.

Helps to know your shape and where you're trying to fit.

Oh, and congratulations on going at it on your own. Way to go!

[progenitor]

interesting. In my own case, my ego has always been too big to accept the tony robbins of this world. It is an admission of adequacey rather than the ayn randian american exceptionalism which i sense you favor. I posit you attend such affairs only to prove to yourself your lack of need for them.

[progenitor]

ps
acorns and trees dont you know

[Jeff]

Jory,
I really like how you cut through it and reveal your non-conflicted perspective. Most people tend to be either temporarily enlightened (flakey) or completely in their head. Please continue. I'd love to hear more!